In a good relationship, we don’t just have to love the other. We also have to love the the one we are beside the other. And I don’t think I loved myself lately. I couldn’t see it then, but I can see clearly now. So it’s probably better this way. And I learnt something again.
He was there when I needed someone to be there, but from now on, it has to be ME standing in the middle of my universe. Not only as long as I’m alone, but forever. I don’t ever want to see myself not saying something out because of the fear. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I’m a bit ashamed of treating myself like I did. But don’t worry. Every day of my future life I’ll be working on it, making it alright.
Everything that hurts is outside me now. And it’s fine. I woke up smiling again. I’m all by myself inside and out, and I’ve never been so happy about it before. I do whatever I want to do, I sort out my things, I categorize limitless, and I can do it without scruple, it’s even necessary! I’m winding up my life. Boxes, envelopes, sacks… Love it! This is the “how to reduce a life to 2 suitcases” game.
Unbelievable how strong I feel and how I cannot worry about a thing now! Thanks to all the amazing people around me who help me and stand by my side no matter what.
Is it possible to be loved by someone who wants to change you? Who doesn’t take the one you are, as-is? I doubt that… Of course there is no recipe, all I know deep inside for sure, is that I don’t ever want to see and feel myself ugly again. I won’t throw the newly re-collected crumbs of my self-confidence to the pigeons, just for the illusion of having somebody by my side.
Almost zero actually… it’s almost midnight. I start off tomorrow. He’ll arrive tomorrow. I’ll see him tomorrow. Tomorrow… Tomorrow, something will end and something will begin.
Not to mention: tomorrow, it will be one year since I’ve met him. I’m packing and thinking of him. How wonderful it is…
And now I go and celebrate the last midnight with K. Then I’ll write the Zero Post.
We said goodbye. I’m fine. I can’t wait… Gonna have a lot to do tomorrow. And he’ll be flying already. What a funny thought: one year before, I didn’t even know he exists. But almost…
The day after tomorrow… it’s here. Guess now comes the part where we will just see.
Thanks for calling me and writing me and coming and thinking of me!
Three… THREE!!! My goodness… three… And the best in it: at three, Ronika is sitting cross-legged wearing a hamburger-smile and crooning around.
Because the only thing that matters, the only thing that ever mattered is love… and love sits right here on my shoulder. Everything’s alright, and so it will remain. Everything I ever wished, I already got. I am probably one of the most blessed people on earth. Please kick my ass if I would ever forget about it!
Stressday. Work and swish. I sighed so loud when I got to the end of my agenda that it made the walls tremble, but at least I didn’t have time to think about stupid things. I didn’t have time for anything at all. I can’t even remember the day, it just ended at midnight, when I swooned into my bed.
But at last we talked, like to sensible people. The sadness and hopelessness broke out of us. The troubles are not small… and we make them even bigger with our overtwirling brains. Still, after we said goodbye, I felt relieved. I could say things I couldn’t say before, and things that doesn’t matter anymore have been wimpled. I’m still standing in the mist, can’t see much more backward than forward. But I’m not afraid, and being not afraid is good.
This was the very first song he sent me. I didn’t feel it so true ever before.
It was a long and slow day. Yeah, definitely longer than usual: a whole hour longer because of the winter time. It confused me a bit. I can’t complain, it was a quite pleasant day. Till the evening, when the stupid thoughts attacked again. I went for a walk and took a bath with a good book to chase them away. It’s fine now (wonder how long though…).
If I could, I would hibernate myself for the coming 4 days. Till then, I overdose the animation movies and the Harry Potter books, and try to think through the things I still have to sort out. Everybody’s so curious and so excited… Wonder how many of them would switch places with me now… I’d really love to know that.
By the way, something changed very-very much. Here inside of me. So much, that maybe there is no song to describe it. The song I wanted to link here today (but sadly couldn’t find on youtube…) is not really about this day. But as I listened to it while walking, happiness just flushed my soul.
“Something’s gonna happen to make your whole life better…”
At last! I manage not to think. I live a lot and talk a lot. Everything’s absolutely alright. This today was so much like me! From the morning till the evening, and even at night.
Got an extreme overdose from the evergreens of the 80’s, but I’ll get over that. It was just plain amazing, having almost everyone around me who I love! Felt a bit like a farewell party, only partly on purpose. I could do with more of this kind of days. Spent it in such happy senselessness.
Negative thoughts: ZERO
Cigarettes: 2 (packets, not pieces)
Relatives: 26
Friends: 5
Alcohol: 1 (accidentally)
Late night food orgy: 1 (aaaaaaahhhh yeahhhhhh!)
Best of the 80’s songs: many thousands (the Modern Talking was the low point)
And the song of the day, from K, with love, for me. Want many many such days!
There's a woman. She writes. She likes the cube, and Africa. And the North, too, what an opposition. Winter is her time, but she's waiting for spring. She likes to wonder at the rainy, severe rocky scenery, especially laying in the hot sand, feet towards the sea. Well: she neither can find her place, nor her time, so, for the time being, she waits at the continental climate. And sometimes, to be sure, she fears without any reason. Alas, she's an incorrigible pessimist. Alas, her sense of justice is overdeveloped. Alas, she doesn't give a second chance. She isn't a good person. She isn't a bad person. She's a human being, simply like that. She got herself this virtual place, because she needed a panic room. Where she can hide, but where she can be available for those who want to find her. She fills the shelves of her panic room with things she could need in miserable times. More or less sensible, anyway self-identical thoughts. Routes to reach valuable people. Pictures, songs. Others can come in here to calm down, and there will always be a place for those who are a bit afraid sometimes, just like her.
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