Amazing words borrowed from my dear friend Blondee, for all those who lost someone…

***

God floods you, fucking gopher, out of your tunnel, and you run, through plough and fields, carrying your matted fur – yes, you flooded me my God.

I’m ticking half-asleep, I’m not awake, still this fear again, and this damn rhyme, can’t resist it. It’s love that I’m afraid of, or maybe not, just that look, pain is glowing, I know this, as if I was looking to a mirror. Grass of the summer road on the bottom of a clear, icy lake… water strokes the spears… fishes swim through the meadow… then all of a sudden the glacier dies and the field gets dry again – for a summer.

Shit, I got a shock, not normal, neither bad, nor good, it’s just like this, I’m just afraid. Even my memory, that faithless bitch betrays me all the time. I’m alone.

It was morning, not early, only for those who go to bed at dawn, the phone – the sneak, the tool of “are you coming for lunch on Sunday”, and “where are you, when are you coming”, nothing but a piece of plastic plus a little metal, betrays you (as if your fridge would shoot you) – rings.

You don’t know yet, how would you know, you pick it up, me that is, my sister’s voice from a different world: Dad died.

But… I was a good girl, want to hide back, underneath some earth duvet, until the skies clear up, until the stream dies away, but there is no place to, and I cannot, just like in the childhood nightmare, I’m naked, we all are, in front of each other. There is no “but”, “sorry I’m busy”, “later”, there are no tears, and what would you cry for anyway. What would I… We… We just are. We ARE. And he is not.

Damn fucking phone, the sanctified bitch. It doesn’t sound feminine after all. Phone. It’s neutral, or rather masculine. So let’s go. I haven’t seen dead before. My father, dead, naked, dress him up. Have to.

Years later I say, not to blame, just to declare my disappointment:

- You didn’t come with me, you got sick, you were gray and sweaty; I had to bring you back to town and go alone.

- Is this why you wanted to get divorced?

- No, I’m just saying, I’ve been disappointed.

- I’ve been there, with you. I got sick, we went to the doctor, I got meds, and I went with you. I was there when they took your father from the living room to the bier.

Funny. Think I’m going insane. Or just my brain.

Why is it, that we think the things we are afraid of, the things we hate, feminine? Fucking bitch… And God, though we’ve never seen him, is male.

My sister, the prime-vegan, the prime-tigress, she took the fucking phone, to say it out loud again, to Daddy’s only dear little Son, to his Loli, the unchangeable. She dressed him up with mom and she closed his eyes. I only found it out years later. When I was strong enough to ask the question. And she, to answer it.

For when God floods you, he’s doing a great job. No escape, no hide away, no words, no tears, no you, no knowing, you are like the stiff frame, and another, and another, lo, this is you as well, like a silent film, clean slate you are, waiting for someone to turn a page. And they do. And then you feel, you suspect, who you are.

(Written by Dr. Blondee, 05/04/2007)

When you give up everything and start to follow a dream, for long moments you feel very brave and strong. You turn into an adventurer. Nothing compares to this feeling, but it’s not constant. It gets to you alternately with fear, emptiness and sadness. 

The last days went by sitting on an emotional roller coaster. My farewell party was pleasant, my last day with the family a bit stressful… The moment when I left my dog squeezed my heart out, though I didn’t think I will miss her this much, maybe the most… My last evening at home, when I was supposed to run around the flat over-excited and pack the pieces of my life in and out of my two yawning suitcases – well, my last evening was the deepest phlegm. I was watching an air crash movie sitting on the floor, and I felt very-very lonely. I was not afraid. And I didn’t hope. Somehow the whole thing just didn’t interest me at all, it was kind of a pre-death experience, not that I know how that is. I was a bit nervous and eccentric at the airport, but at last I started to feel the adrenaline. And then I came loose. And I departed. And I arrived.

There was nothing felicific in it, but I guess I’ve never been this much self-assured before. Not that I did too many things all alone before. And now I came here, to London, to live here. I arrived to the Nothing, as a new-age errant, with two suitcases and some hope.

Believe me, there’s nothing romantic or heroic in it. You are small and invisible, and you have to stand on your own two feet. There’s no mommy and no siblings and no friends. It’s just you and the city. There was “helyijáratos buszjegy”, “feltöltőkártya”, “vigyázz lépcső”, “hatos busz”, “igen kérem”, “nem köszönöm”, “jónapot” and “viszlát”. And now there is Oyster Card, top up voucher, mind the gap, Victoria line service, yes please, no thanks, hello and bye. After two days, it’s not even strange anymore. Not the red bus coming from a different direction on the “wrong” side of the road, nor that there is no two people of the same nation on an ordinary 73, nor that you are not allowed to smoke anywhere. You start to know the change as well. You get your National Insurance Number Card and UK bank account. You try your best to get a job: London’s not as it was 5 years ago, but it’s not hopeless.

The weather is predictible: on even days it’s warm and wet, on odd days it’s sunny and cold. Good coffee is as rare as the white crow, but you can get good chinese food.

You are here. This is what you exist in. Here you wake, here you walk, here you lay your head. An unknown acquaintance, sometimes friendly, sometimes shameless, sometimes rude. A big and stirring city with an incomparable spirit. Impossible not to love, but it never takes you in fully.

It’s not Home as yet, oh no. But someday it could be. So I’ll stay and give it a try. Maybe it’s not a big adventure, but it’s my adventure after all.

Another year went by, a very good and notable year, one I will always remember. I read my yearly horoscope last January, and it said that I will change totally, inside and out. And so I did. Here follows a Bridget-Jones-type of Summary of my 2008

Kilograms I took off: double-digit (very very good)

Cigarettes I smoked: ca. 11.000 (very bad)

Whiskeys I drank: more liters, 90% in the first 3 months (bad but needed)

Books I’ve read: ca. 12 (could be better)

Movies I’ve watched: triple-digit

Flits: 1

Friends who have been there for me no matter what: 9 (I LOVE YOU LOTS!!!)

Family who has been there for me no matter what: 1 (I LOVE YOU LOTS!!!)

Love: 1

Relationships: 1

Relationships with a Hollywood Screenplay: 1

New Year’s Resolutions: 0

Valid one-way air tickets to London: 1

Dreams: many

Mistakes I’ve made: 1

Mistakes beyond repair: 0

***

Thanks for everyone who’s been there for me and stood next to me and loved me this year, you are my happiness, you give me strength to survive the hard days, you give me bravery to take my huge steps. Thanks to you, I dare to dream and I dare to  move on, because I know that you will remain standing here right behind me, to catch me whenever I fall.

…at least not here in my heart, one day before the feast, there is no sign of the Christmas-feeling. This year, everything fell away. I didn’t make an Advent Wreath, didn’t bake cookies, I don’t even have a Christmas Tree, only some pine sprigs are waiting for a vase and some decoration in the dining room. I won’t be at home anyway, but still… now that the feast is near, I realize that this year, I didn’t decorate my soul. The sun is shining warmly outside and spring wind blows through the window, this doesn’t help much either. Maybe tomorrow… maybe the feast will catch me suddenly this year, it will walk in without knocking by the light of the sparklers.

This will be a strange Christmas, the Christmas of saying goodbye. In less than three weeks, I’ll leave my whole life behind and I’ll go away from here. Maybe it’s not a big deal, but to me it’s a huge step. I already miss those I love, and I can only hope that our love and care won’t fade away and won’t pale when the thoughts will have to travel more thousand kilometers.

I’m a bit scared as well. And sad. Somewhere outside in the big world, there is someone who’s important to me, and he is all alone now. I wish to tell him that all my thoughts will be with him, but I don’t know if it matters. I would give everything to be able to hug him tomorrow night, but all I have is words, all I can give is words.

There’s no Christmas in my heart, just gaping loneliness and endless love. The first I will put on my pine sprigs as a gloomy ornament, the last I will celebrate. Because love is the only thing worth celebrating.

Anybody want to guess?

A funny episode happened today. After my usual fridge-re-filling shopping tour, I asked for two boxes of cigarettes at the checkout. The lady looked at me, and asked me with a funny look on her face: “Tell me, are you 18 already?”

LOL and LOL, I got so shocked I could not answer for a second, then, with a hamburger smile on my face, I gave her my ID card and added: “Well yeah I definitely am, but thanks for the question, it was really the nicest compliment!”

Well, I don’t think anything could take this smile off my face today. Nor tomorrow! In fact, I’ll be wearing this grin till the 15th of January! Forever young!!!

And when you think everything’s alright, your system throws up the sponge. You lead yourself on that “I can stand it”, but sadly it seems you can’t. An ordinary Tuesday afternoon, after you finished your work and ran out to the city to sort your things out, suddenly you feel you have to lay down. It’s only 5 p.m… your shoulders get cramped and you barely can move your arms. You don’t feel sick, you just have to sleep. You don’t come to yourself till 11 p.m., and then you feel seriously bad. Qualm, weakness, extreme thirst… Temperature, dejection. Nothing hurts. But something’s just ain’t right.

This is just too much, too much what’s happening to me, around me, in me. I can’t stand it, I should stop, but how? Wish I had one, just one thing in my life that’s sure… Something I can hold on to, something I can tie my balloon to… But it seems this is the time of flying free, and this is a bit sickening. My earth-being fights against my air-being. My roots are spearing up free and vulnerable, because I pulled them out cruelly. Their home, the foundations of my former life, are like a gaping wound on the ground. Do the trees know how to fly? May they fly at all? Or should I leave this all behind, and transform to one single winged seed? That one day, hopefully not too far, will arrive somewhere else, and strikes new roots?

Nobody’s holding my hand. And so, of course, nobody’s pulling me back.

The stranger

It’s all over, I’m not traveling anymore
No adventures are waiting for me there in the Far West
East and West and all the sweet dreams
No matter how my heart aches, you have to get to know:

I won’t be here tomorrow
Different idea, different habits
New country, new adventures
But the girls are nice there as well

And sometimes I feel that it hurts still
And sometimes I wish to go back
From where no one’s been before
From where no one waited for me before

East and West and all the sweet dreams
No matter how my heart aches, you have to get to know:
I won’t be here tomorrow
Different idea, different habits
New country, new adventures
But the girls are nice there as well

And the girls are nice here as well…

“Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can’t count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It’ll wither and die and blow away. There ain’t no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it’s dead it’s gone. Let it go! Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you’re grown, you know what I’m talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That’s the leaf people. They come to take.
Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you’re going out on a limb, don’t put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the things you want to share with it.
Finally, there are people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don’t care nothing about being seen. All they’re there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That’s what relationships should be about. That’s what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons.
If somebody wants to walk out of your life, you’ve got to LET THEM GO! When you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everyone around you. Again, I repeat with emphasis, if they don’t meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. And forgive them with all your might.”

(Tyler Perry “Madea’s uninhibited commentaries on love and life”)

Working in the corner
Peeking over shoulders
Waiting for my time to come
Working in the corner
One day to the other
Butter on my piece of bun

Stepping a stone
and I’m all gone
Give me the tone
And i’m all gone
Yeah, i’m walking by the line
Not here, but in my mind

I’m working a sweat, but it’s all good
I’m breaking my back but it’s all good
‘Cause i know i’ll get it back
Yeah, i know your hands will clap
And I’m working,
Yeah, i’m working
To make butter for my piece of bun

And if you say I’m not OK
with miles to go
If you say there ain’t no way that i could know
If you say i aim too high from down below
Well, say it now ’cause when i’m gone
You’ll be callin’ but i won’t be at the phone

And i’m hanging around ’till it’s all done
You can’t keep me back once i had some
No wasting time to get it right
And you will see what i’m about

Just bcause it’s topical, here are my favorite breakup songs, with those few words of the lyrics which mean the most to me.

Stars: Your ex-lover is dead

It’s nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn’t choose
I’ll write you a postcard
I’ll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love…

Live through this, and you won’t look back…
Live through this, and you won’t look back…
Live through this, and you won’t look back…

There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave

I’m not sorry I met you
I’m not sorry it’s over
I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save
I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save…

A Fine Frenzy: Almost lover

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you

Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

The Fray: How to save a life

Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

The Calling: Wherever you will go

So lately, I’ve been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

Missy Higgins: Where I stood

And I won’t be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

‘Cos I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

Rufus Wainwright feat. Dido: I eat dinner (When the hunger’s gone)

Never thought
That I’d end up like this
I who love the night
Never thought I’d be without a kiss
No one to turn out the light
Turn out the light

No more candlelight
No more romance
No more small-talk
When the hunger’s gone

Sheryl Crow: Lullaby for Wyatt

How do I keep you from losing your way
Hope you will find love like I did some day
But love is letting go
And this I’ll know

Cause you were mine
For a time

THIS .. so that she doesn’t even think of it, feeling bad!