I’m reading about waiting. About how the now, the here, the like this is somehow never good enough, not complete, not perfect. For any of us. We are all waiting, for something more, better, something that will be then. For the there, for the like that. The foundation of our existence is dissatisfaction and hope.
When I sign on to the community website in the morning, I curiously run through the latest updates of my friends. X is flying here, Y is traveling there, Z is buying that. And me? Well, I’m freezing, struggling through snow in wet shoes, slipping and falling on the backyard and hurting myself. Sometimes I have a job, sometimes I don’t. My desires are light years away from me. Am I unhappy now?
No! Not even relatively.
There’s an interesting question in Péter Müller’s book, Providence. (I got it for my Birthday last year from my dear Gaby, now the time has come for me to read it.) If my guardian angel would show up now and would offer me to swap lives with anybody, what would I say? I’d get terrified, I would sit down in the armchair and get very quiet. And I would start counting my blessings. Starting with my husband, who is the most amazing person, the sunshine in all my gray mornings, his smile melts the ice, his embrace chases the clouds away. Then, my home. Our small, cozy, safe little corner of the world where we can hide, where nobody hurts us, where nobody bothers us. Our plans, that we are working on so hard, day after day. No, we are not flying, not traveling, not shopping, not now. Are we waiting? No, we are not waiting. We live and enjoy the moment.
Don’t think it’s easy not to be jealous. Sometimes it’s impossible. But then you have to sit back & take your blessings out. And you have to count them. Old pictures. The wonderful places we already have seen. The amazing people that love us, that care about us, that we miss when we are away. The dinner we cook together. The beautiful wee Christmas Tree, its fairy lights glittering in our living room. The good morning hug, the I’m home kiss. That after just 3 days, it doesn’t even hurt that much any more where I’ve hit myself. That this stupid flu has gone out of my system at last. I’m fine, and I’m healthy. And so is he. And we are together, every day.
It’s winter, cold, slippy, slushy winter. It’s not nice to climb out of bed, but how nice it is to climb into bed! To cuddle up on the sofa with hot tea under the blanket, watching animation movies on Christmas Day. Yes, there will be spring. And there will be summer, too. There will be holidays, travels, own car, own home, children, if the Lord will bless us. And yes, there is those who’s NOW is our THEN. But have you ever thought about it, that maybe their NOW is missing whatever is in yours?
We’ve got expelled from Paradise because timeless lightheartedness just wasn’t good enough for mankind. We’d go back but there is no way back. There is only forward. The waiting, the searching, the never finding. Because happiness and satisfaction is not somewhere and sometime.
It’s in our hearts, timelessly. That’s where we have to find our ways back to.
Wow, I almost forgot how good you are.xxx