There’s no Christmas…

…at least not here in my heart, one day before the feast, there is no sign of the Christmas-feeling. This year, everything fell away. I didn’t make an Advent Wreath, didn’t bake cookies, I don’t even have a Christmas Tree, only some pine sprigs are waiting for a vase and some decoration in the dining room. I won’t be at home anyway, but still… now that the feast is near, I realize that this year, I didn’t decorate my soul. The sun is shining warmly outside and spring wind blows through the window, this doesn’t help much either. Maybe tomorrow… maybe the feast will catch me suddenly this year, it will walk in without knocking by the light of the sparklers.

This will be a strange Christmas, the Christmas of saying goodbye. In less than three weeks, I’ll leave my whole life behind and I’ll go away from here. Maybe it’s not a big deal, but to me it’s a huge step. I already miss those I love, and I can only hope that our love and care won’t fade away and won’t pale when the thoughts will have to travel more thousand kilometers.

I’m a bit scared as well. And sad. Somewhere outside in the big world, there is someone who’s important to me, and he is all alone now. I wish to tell him that all my thoughts will be with him, but I don’t know if it matters. I would give everything to be able to hug him tomorrow night, but all I have is words, all I can give is words.

There’s no Christmas in my heart, just gaping loneliness and endless love. The first I will put on my pine sprigs as a gloomy ornament, the last I will celebrate. Because love is the only thing worth celebrating.

~ by ronika on December 23, 2008.