Providence

I’m reading about waiting. About how the now, the here, the like this is somehow never good enough, not complete, not perfect. For any of us. We are all waiting, for something more, better, something that will be then. For the there, for the like that. The foundation of our existence is dissatisfaction and hope.

When I sign on to the community website in the morning, I curiously run through the latest updates of my friends. X is flying here, Y is traveling there, Z is buying that. And me? Well, I’m freezing, struggling through snow in wet shoes, slipping and falling on the backyard and hurting myself. Sometimes I have a job, sometimes I don’t. My desires are light years away from me. Am I unhappy now?

Document1

I can’t continue any more. I can only start over. Because continuing means turning back, going close, taking a good look at the endings, digging into what lead to those. And then, having the knowledge, planning how to adjust, weave, sew, glue, knead, nail the beginnings to the endings… Violent words, all of them. And they presuppose the intent to go back. The intent to take a look inside. There’s no place for me in what has passed. I learned from it whatever I could learn.

With a cotton bud, I cleaned the keyboard of my laptop today. Many years old dirt came out of the gaps. A golden hair, my dog’s, Tana’s. A snow white one – my friend’s dog’s, Alma’s (she hang out at my place quite a few times, too). Then a human hair, red-blonde and curly. Now this did hurt. Not yet in years, but I can already count it in months since I last spoke to her. I miss her. I don’t even understand what had happened. Breathing out. Long, deep. Then, a crumb. Probably nice, crispy Hungarian bread crust. A sticky brown drop. Of course it’s coffee, what else? Coffee in our tiny kitchen, with cigarettes and nice talks. Empty space. Missing. Nothingness.

And then I understood. I can’t continue. I can only start over.

I don’t even need a hiding place any more. I haven’t been afraid of anything for a long time. I closed just way too many doors behind me definitively to allow myself the luxury of being scared.

I mopped the floor of our kitchen and hoovered our living room. My hair is unbelievably red and my nails are unbelievably long. I love the sound of them pattering on the keyboard to the rhythm of Death Cab for Cutie. Instant coffee, sunbeam on fresh snow, a vase of white wild flowers.

Me.

The bravest Angel

There aren’t many stories about angels, apart from the Bible of course. Though angels are often walking amongst us, looking just like us, and only if we’d focus very hard, closing out all confusing lies of circumstances and every-days, only then we will realize how much different they actually are. And then, when on a day similar to this one, an angel disappears from our life  to move back to Heaven, a smile breaks through our tears, and we understand. And we know.

You are reborn when God floods you

Amazing words borrowed from my dear friend Blondee, for all those who lost someone…

***

God floods you, fucking gopher, out of your tunnel, and you run, through plough and fields, carrying your matted fur – yes, you flooded me my God.

There you go

When you give up everything and start to follow a dream, for long moments you feel very brave and strong. You turn into an adventurer. Nothing compares to this feeling, but it’s not constant. It gets to you alternately with fear, emptiness and sadness.

Summary

Another year went by, a very good and notable year, one I will always remember. I read my yearly horoscope last January, and it said that I will change totally, inside and out. And so I did. Here follows a Bridget-Jones-type of Summary of my 2008

There’s no Christmas…

…at least not here in my heart, one day before the feast, there is no sign of the Christmas-feeling. This year, everything fell away. I didn’t make an Advent Wreath, didn’t bake cookies, I don’t even have a Christmas Tree, only some pine sprigs are waiting for a vase and some decoration in the dining room. I won’t be at home anyway, but still… now that the feast is near, I realize that this year, I didn’t decorate my soul. The sun is shining warmly outside and spring wind blows through the window, this doesn’t help much either. Maybe tomorrow… maybe the feast will catch me suddenly this year, it will walk in without knocking by the light of the sparklers.

This will be a strange Christmas, the Christmas of saying goodbye. In less than three weeks, I’ll leave my whole life behind and I’ll go away from here. Maybe it’s not a big deal, but to me it’s a huge step. I already miss those I love, and I can only hope that our love and care won’t fade away and won’t pale when the thoughts will have to travel more thousand kilometers.

I’m a bit scared as well. And sad. Somewhere outside in the big world, there is someone who’s important to me, and he is all alone now. I wish to tell him that all my thoughts will be with him, but I don’t know if it matters. I would give everything to be able to hug him tomorrow night, but all I have is words, all I can give is words.

There’s no Christmas in my heart, just gaping loneliness and endless love. The first I will put on my pine sprigs as a gloomy ornament, the last I will celebrate. Because love is the only thing worth celebrating.

How old am I?

Anybody want to guess?

A funny episode happened today. After my usual fridge-re-filling shopping tour, I asked for two boxes of cigarettes at the checkout. The lady looked at me, and asked me with a funny look on her face: “Tell me, are you 18 already?”

LOL and LOL, I got so shocked I could not answer for a second, then, with a hamburger smile on my face, I gave her my ID card and added: “Well yeah I definitely am, but thanks for the question, it was really the nicest compliment!”

Well, I don’t think anything could take this smile off my face today. Nor tomorrow! In fact, I’ll be wearing this grin till the 15th of January! Forever young!!!

Toooooo muchhhhh

And when you think everything’s alright, your system throws up the sponge. You lead yourself on that “I can stand it”, but sadly it seems you can’t. An ordinary Tuesday afternoon, after you finished your work and ran out to the city to sort your things out, suddenly you feel you have to lay down. It’s only 5 p.m… your shoulders get cramped and you barely can move your arms. You don’t feel sick, you just have to sleep. You don’t come to yourself till 11 p.m., and then you feel seriously bad. Qualm, weakness, extreme thirst… Temperature, dejection. Nothing hurts. But something’s just ain’t right.

Once again, because it’s true

“Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can’t count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It’ll wither and die and blow away. There ain’t no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it’s dead it’s gone. Let it go! Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you’re grown, you know what I’m talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That’s the leaf people. They come to take.
Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you’re going out on a limb, don’t put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the things you want to share with it.
Finally, there are people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don’t care nothing about being seen. All they’re there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That’s what relationships should be about. That’s what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons.
If somebody wants to walk out of your life, you’ve got to LET THEM GO! When you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everyone around you. Again, I repeat with emphasis, if they don’t meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. And forgive them with all your might.”

(Tyler Perry “Madea’s uninhibited commentaries on love and life”)